I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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