i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
