if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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