theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
