There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
there is puke in my bra ... again
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
