The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
