so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
