I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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