I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
