and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
