if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
