you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
