My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just threw up on my dentist
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm having to shit out rocks
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
