Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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