I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
