I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
