I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
