just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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