Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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