We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
