We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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