She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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