The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and she was petting her beer can
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
