i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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