I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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