So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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