dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
