broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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