where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
