That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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