Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just tell him i said nine months
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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