Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
