____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
