census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
