I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
