well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
