I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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