He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
