I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
