Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
