Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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