One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
