I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
