He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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