booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
