At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
