How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
