Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just blew my weed a kiss
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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