I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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