Please, let me fuck your mom
Someone shit on the floor
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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