I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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